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Forgiveness.
It's a tough thing. Perhaps the toughest thing I've walked through.
Life is difficult; painful, tragic. It's true. But when you take that and mix in pain that is directly caused by someone else - particularly someone you have loved or someone that you would logically think would have an obligation to love you (like a parent) - it subsequently makes life even more difficult. Difficult multiplied. It is one thing to deal with pain and tragedy in this life. It's an entirely separate beast when you are confronted with the pain and tragedy of INFLICTED pain (however intentional). Complexly compounded.
For years, I struggled with this layered pain, alongside the importance of forgiveness. I was well-aware of the toxicity of un-forgiveness. Well....at least in my head. Within the space between my ears, I could share with you the reasons and importance for forgiveness. It was clear to me. Logical, even. But by the time it traveled to my heart, it wasn't so clear. Muddy. Messy. It became something else. Something I struggled to understand. Something I struggled to remedy.
Forgive.
It was on my moral "to-do" list that was largely formulated by my faith. [Side Note: the "to-do" list could easily be another blog post. As hard as it is for me not to take this rabbit trail, I'm leaving this here. For now.] Forgiveness was something I "knew" I needed to do. In light of scripture, this might seem like a healthy statement.
It really isn't.
The charge to simply forgive was overwhelming. I tried. Believe you me, I tried. I'd get a step forward...thinking that I had made ample progress...only to be enlightened of how little I had actually moved. Here's the thing...I was missing the most important piece.
Personally, I believe forgiveness is part of our commandment to love. Not the kind of love that we use it to describe how we feel about something tangible, like an item of food, clothing, or even an amazing scenic view. Not that love. The kind of love that - outside of God - is humanly impossible. The same is true for forgiveness. The level of love - or forgiveness - that God calls us to, requires something that we do not have apart from Him.
You see...something happens when our perspective shifts. When we begin to grab ahold of who God is (and, subsequently, who we are and how he moves through us), the "to-do" list becomes a "done" list. It takes what we "need" to do and turns it into what has been "given" to us. And here's the thing...coming to terms with who God TRULY is - not our perception of who He is - CAUSES us to forgive in a way that appears illogical to those on the outside. (I specifically chose to use the word "cause" instead of the word "allows"). It can even appear foolish.
Justification.
If you looked around, it wouldn't take you very long to find someone who believes they are justified in being angry with someone who caused them great pain. Forgiveness withheld. Justifiably so. When looking at justification this way, it would be logical to come to the conclusion that justification, in fact, leads to un-forgiveness...but in fact, the opposite is true.
Let me explain my thoughts...
My daughter was recently featured in a blog post that touched on just a few issues of brokenness, abandonment, and difficulty she's experienced in her 22 years of life on this earth. Reading her heart is difficult for this mama. [Side note: Pain afflicted by me, personally, is tough. But as a parent, there is no greater pain than pain afflicted on and by my children (possible secondary side note here, but I'll leave it aside for now)]. It surpasses what would typically be considered to be my personal pain tolerance and branches out to a universe that stirs a mama bear to think and react in un-restricted, irrational ways.
Her story has enough material suitable to justify resentment, clinch on to anger, and withhold forgiveness, for several lifetimes...and then some.
Justified.
It's what she is. And subsequently, as a mom, It's what I am. Justified to hold a grudge. Justified to be angry (with myself included...I'm not innocent here). Justified to block people from my life. Justified to never look back. Justified to close off a part of my heart and not release it to anyone.
No one would blame me. No one would think twice.
Justified.
It's the way of this world. You can't step out of your bed without experiencing it. Step outside...it's all around you. Pick up a paper...forget about it. Get on social media...don't get me started. It's everywhere.
The first two definitions of the word 'justified' are this; "To show and act, claim, statement to be just or right" and "To defend or uphold as warranted or well-grounded".
Here's the next definition: "To declare innocent or guiltless; absolve; acquit"
Same word. Two very different meanings.
It's not the first word I've come across that fits on both sides of the spectrum. I'm convinced God does this on purpose.
While the article only touches on a few of the things my daughter has encountered...it would be enough. Enough - in and of itself - to justify holding love. To justify resentment. To justify un-forgiveness. To justify closing off our heart. Then, you add in the other elements that are too numerous to add in one article....done. Baked. Toast. Forget about it. No question. Case closed.
Have I made my point?
Here's the thing...the more I come to a better understanding of who God is...and, subsequently who WE are TO Him and how He works things IN and THROUGH us...the less I'm able to hold on to those things. The less I am able to "justify" un-forgiveness. The more I see (and seek) God, the less justified I become in my resentment, anger, and heart-protection.
Unlike something that I work towards, this is something that has happens TO me, over time. In spite of my desire for it to be a switch...a clean "off" and "on"(it's not, trust me!)...I've learned that it can often be a process. A process of God tending to me.
Over the years, God has slowly and methodically worked on my heart...by opening my eyes...by giving me tastes of wisdom...a glimpse of HIS picture. It's a process. One that becomes impossible for me to achieve on my own (believe you me, I've tried!). In fact, the harder I try, the less it works. It's only when I release my part...my grasp (and essentially my "credit" in all of it)...and open my hands to receive what He has for me, that it happens. It just happens. It is CAUSED. By God.
God changes our heart.
He justifies.
But in a different way than we are used to.
You see, the mere act of acknowledging God's goodness - His unchanging mercy, His never-ending grace - frees me from the inclination to blame. Why? Because in those things....in the broken, messy, painful...God is still good. His plan is better than anything I could come up with on my own. He works those things into a beauty that I could not have, apart from Him, even have fathomed. He causes me to embrace the broken, messy pieces of my life and gives me hope that He will provide the same peace to my daughter...and anyone else who needs the reconciliation God offers. That through all of this, we come out on top. Better. Healthier. More whole. Closer to Him than we ever would have been, apart from the broken things we would logically want removed from our life. Not in spite, but because.
And within all of this, is the understanding that I am forgiven. Declared innocent. Guiltless. Absolved. Acquitted.
Left justified.
It's who we are in Christ (what freedom!). And once we grasp this, it's what we - subsequently - get to extend to those around us, by the way of the Holy Spirit.
Forgiveness. It'a messy, dangerous, beautiful thing. And it happens when justification gets flipped on its head.
Jesus was all about turning things upside down.
